Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
