fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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