his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
