nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
