wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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