Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
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just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
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It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
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