I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
