I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
