I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
