why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I checked into jail on foursquare
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
