Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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