I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
