hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
