Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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