i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
