Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
