4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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