i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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