Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
