We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
