Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
pray to the hookup gods
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
