I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
