I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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