oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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