my phone needs a breathalizer
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
