I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
