I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
