The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
