Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
