my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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