So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
