I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
