someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
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