I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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