it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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