So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
