3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
