god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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