So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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