I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
