found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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