i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
