what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
