Where is the hickey?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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