Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i think my tv is drunk
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
