I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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