The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
