i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
