508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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