my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
