you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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