I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
