glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
