My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
