Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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