Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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