Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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