so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Randomize
