She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
