well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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