I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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