I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
